WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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