i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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