I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
