literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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