New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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