you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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