i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
