Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
