shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
