The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
