i wish starbucks made bloody marys
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
