i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i need some magic done to my vagina
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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