Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
