these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
