He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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