I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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