Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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