The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
