so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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