I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
