So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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