I wish I only lived at night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
