I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
