I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
