About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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