Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
