Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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