Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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