A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize