Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
