I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
