I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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