Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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