I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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