my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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