I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
