If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
