im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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