if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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