i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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