so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
