i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How external is "for external use only"?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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