is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
