when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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