Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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