I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
