I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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