Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize