Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
