I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
