were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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