i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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