I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
be right there i have to get my cape
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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