There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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