paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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