Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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