There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
