She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
