Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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