i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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