i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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