I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
